I don't really remember how I start my very first day. Those past years I've been through are now just leaving random pieces of memories spinning around my head every morning I wake up. Things are changing, every time, every day, in your control or not, and the only thing that won't change is the change itself. Is it a good thing? Or is it bad? Or is it just something you don't need to give any shit about? At the end of the day, those constant changes will only leave questions in my head.

So, looking far back, my past is not perfect, and I am taking this as proof that being a human-being is puzzling. It's like everyone, or maybe just me, is born perfectly with imperfections they had, and then they're suddenly 20 and when they look back, the decision to keep or let go of their vices is absolutely in their hand. I want to let go all of mine, but sadly it wasn't as easy as I thought it'll be. 

Everything we have within our native character is good, or bad, or both, well at least as they ever said.  But I actually hate the fact that most of them are both, and we should be agile enough to sort the perfect time out to bring them up, so we won't be the source of a mess by our own attitude. For me, it's not easy at all. Some people thought that it is, but some others just don't give a shit about this. Well if you are the one who thinks that it's easy, please kindly spare your time to teach me how you do it easily. I honestly really need to figure out how's the accurate way to make everything easy. 

Being perfectionistic is pretty exhausting, and maybe this is why I always overthink everything, including why I write this, perhaps?!

"Practice makes perfect", they said.

Inadvertently or not, I nearly spent decades (only two, honestly) practicing my perfectionist-self to remind myself that I have no ability to control all conditions in front of me, to realize that I will somehow look ridiculous and there will always be a thing I should fix no matter how often I recheck them over and over again. Even if some efforts I did would sometimes just end up in smoke, I still compel myself just for the sake of my own gratification so the thoughts of "if I don't do this, it will be worse" won't bother me. But again, no matter how hard I try, everything's still pretty far from being impeccable.

"How many more years do I need to improve this and my ability to face the world?", ask my perfectionist-self, to myself. 

I don't know, no one knows. It just must be tough to constantly expect certitude in the world full of uncertainty, but sadly this is how my days go. Even though in the end everything's not perfect, well now at least (I hope) things are getting way a lot better than in the first time everything begins.