Papierflieger: 2019

"What is the goal of your life?"- is not the question I think is important beforehand. But as I get older, it slowly matters. I am 22 years old (if you don't know yet) and I rarely discuss this kind of thing with anybody in my whole life.

When I was younger, I imagined my ten-years-later-self as a well-known doctor, handling her own inventions, and most importantly, she will be living her life happily. Not knowing the details about what kind of happiness I'll gain but in brief, in those past years, I had been seeing my future self as a happy person. Then yesterday, when I was sitting on the train, on my way back to Bandung (Jatinangor, to be exact) from my 2 months holiday, I thought again and realized that happiness shouldn't be any of goals of my future; it should always be in me. I should be able to feel it in any condition cause happiness is merely a choice. So, if happiness is the goal that I can reach every single day, how will I see my future self then? I often talked about dreams and passion and all the possibilities beyond the impossibility, of course with myself. But I am not really sure, do I have to consider the dreams I built as my goal in life? Once again, I drown my head in clearless questions.

Your effort; it matters. Dreamed an impossible, wrote down things it might take, found what's needed to make it real, poured some tears and sweat, and suddenly the impossibility is gone; now we've got a goal. It is not the thing that I can face right in that time, that's why preparation exists. I merely can't control what will happen to myself in the future, cause I'm not there. But I am now here, in my present, and it's very possible for me to modify my way, my path, and my self toward the future I wanted to be real.

I always try to force myself to think positively. When you unintentionally did something in your past and that thing brings you to a good triumph today without you expecting it, it's a piece of luck. Doesn't it sound so cool if someday you have the ability to control your own luck? Even if what you did in yesteryear gave you nothing or everything other than what you actually want, it's not a stroke of bad luck. Don't you realize how kind it was to give you time to take a deep breath and begin again?

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Growing Up

by Caris - 7:37 PM

When I was 9 years old, I wished to go to Paris and be a fashion designer, because I thought it was cool. I also wished to be a pianist, because I was so in love with classical music, and I thought I would be looked so genius, elegant, and glamorous on piano. Five years later, I found another form of art; photography. I took pictures using mom's pocket camera, made a blog (which is this blog ofc), and posted them. Unfolding my blog, I fiddled with photoshop, drew the header myself, and changed it every week. I relished the time I spent to snap and draw, so I wanted to be a photographer who designs graphics too. Earlier before entering high school, I learned some chords on my bro's guitar and ended up gaining my devotion to music, till these days. Since then I decided to put musician as one of my dream jobs.

I wished many things, but none of them were going real. Years later, fifteen-sixteen years old version of myself had to decide my future. Playing safe, it was actually easy cause I had persons behind me who would constantly convince me to be a medico.

I studied biology harder, chose a certain medical school, and lost the talents I wished I would have someday, all of sudden. In the very beginning, the truth that I chose to play safe and threw my dreams away embarrass me. Things seemed so easy before the reality slapped right on myself; I failed my first attempt, this was the bad news. But the good one was, I didn't even think about giving up. It took time to accept the situation of gloom that I should let my year go. By that time I realized that I never threw my dreams away, I've made a new right one. I am glad that this one is, for me, worth more than any of my old ones, and I'm still able to live the old ones up as my hobbies. I can say, I am lucky enough, and I hope you (whoever read this) feel that you are lucky too.

I've seen many of my friends are now living their life finely, although those are not the dreams that we talked in yesteryear. Earlier I thought it was on them to blame, they hadn't fought a little bit harder for it. But then the reality slapped me again and now I finally know that life isn't that easy. You'll have lots of conditions beyond your control, and you won't have any choice except to accept it all. Everything will seem so difficult, but fortunately, nothing is impossible. Now what I understand is that no matter how far you're now walking from your dreams away or no matter how shoddy you think your life is, as long as you're now doing your best, you'll always be fine.

I know that my problems are not the biggest and scariest ever, even though losing dreams is one of them. I hope their presence grew me, slowly but surely, up. So at every beginning of the next day, I will be ready for the bigger one.

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Falling in Myself

by Caris - 10:50 PM

I haven't been in any serious relationship yet, but I've seen it everywhere. They said it was like going throughout your days with tons of happiness, although the cloud and rain and thunder will sometimes come over to ruin it. Even if things are getting troubled many times, at the end of the day you'll still find a smile around your face. They're having a lot of fun with their partner while I'm spending a lot of time thinking that it's confusing and problematic. It is just a matter of point of view.

Love brings tons of happiness; I agree. I once tried to understand what really happens to me when I fall in love. I read some pieces of stuff about it, then I found scientists who turned love into theoretical things, and I thought it was cool. When you fall in love, your brain, especially your reward system, will be flooded by dopamine, and this is why you constantly feel happy when your crush is around (of course, this is a simplification). This stimulation of your reward system makes you addicted to your crush and you'll force yourself to always keep in touch with each other. Although I can't manage to understand the theoretical things of love thoroughly, at least I found the fact that the reason behind the joy of love is highly biological, and everything thereafter becomes plausible in my head.

Starting from there, the most important conclusion (I think) I know is, I can control myself. I can stop before I get addicted, even if my brain tempts me with the lure of the happiest moment I'll probably get because I know that it's just the effect of dopamine and it won't last forever unless I let it to. One of the things that I haven't known yet is why only a certain person can stimulate those reward system things and make one addicted.

When I wrote this, I (again) began to think about how weird I am by giving a shit about these intricate things while a lot of people out there choose to enjoy it all; the joy of love, and the grief of broken heart. Perhaps the answer is within my insecurities; I am afraid of lots of things: failure, frustration, and being faulty. This weird gal tends to bear with the burden of solitude than to experience the bitter of love.

So in brief, let us say that I am picky. But I am glad that at least I know the reason why I opt carefully, and this actually doesn't mean that I am loving my time of solitude. I just want to enjoy my time waiting for the one worth suffering for.

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When Everything Begins

by Caris - 10:04 PM

I don't really remember how I start my very first day. Those past years I've been through are now just leaving random pieces of memories spinning around my head every morning I wake up. Things are changing, every time, every day, in your control or not, and the only thing that won't change is the change itself. Is it a good thing? Or is it bad? Or is it just something you don't need to give any shit about? At the end of the day, those constant changes will only leave questions in my head.

So, looking far back, my past is not perfect, and I am taking this as proof that being a human-being is puzzling. It's like everyone, or maybe just me, is born perfectly with imperfections they had, and then they're suddenly 20 and when they look back, the decision to keep or let go of their vices is absolutely in their hand. I want to let go all of mine, but sadly it wasn't as easy as I thought it'll be.

Everything we have within our native character is good, or bad, or both, well at least as they ever said. But I actually hate the fact that most of them are both, and we should be agile enough to sort the perfect time out to bring them up, so we won't be the source of a mess by our own attitude. For me, it's not easy at all. Some people thought that it is, but some others just don't give a shit about this. Well if you are the one who thinks that it's easy, please kindly spare your time to teach me how you do it easily. I honestly really need to figure out how's the accurate way to make everything easy.

Being perfectionistic is pretty exhausting, and maybe this is why I always overthink everything, including why I write this, perhaps?!

"Practice makes perfect", they said.

Inadvertently or not, I nearly spent decades (only two, honestly) practicing my perfectionist-self to remind myself that I have no ability to control all conditions in front of me, to realize that I will somehow look ridiculous and there will always be a thing I should fix no matter how often I recheck them over and over again. Even if some efforts I did would sometimes just end up in smoke, I still compel myself just for the sake of my own gratification so the thoughts of "if I don't do this, it will be worse" won't bother me. But again, no matter how hard I try, everything's still pretty far from being impeccable.

"How many more years do I need to improve this and my ability to face the world?", ask my perfectionist-self, to myself.

I don't know, no one knows. It just must be tough to constantly expect certitude in the world full of uncertainty, but sadly this is how my days go. Even though in the end everything's not perfect, well now at least (I hope) things are getting way a lot better than in the first time everything begins.

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Happiness

by Caris - 2:16 AM

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Us

Raining

Latter

Growing Up

Falling in Myself

When Everything Begins

Happiness

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