Papierflieger: 2018

Beep

by Caris - 9:32 AM

Beep,
someone's need you,
just so immediately.

Beep,
you don't have enough time,
for taking care of yourself.

Beep,
it is great to be selfless,
and you terribly have to.

Beep,
in every attempt you make,
you are forced to do no mistake.

And in every
beep,
it probably the last,
yet with every sweat and tears you sacrifice,
it is okay,
cause it isn't in your hand.

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Stars

by Caris - 5:56 PM

if you see a star falling,

then you make a wish,

it will come true,

they said.

but the truth is,

we never see a star falling.

no matter how gorgeous the flower is,

i won't pick it up cause i'd rather see it growing,

than dying

in my hand,

he said.

but the truth is,

she has been dying.

and now if i am thinking about giving an end to this solitude,

and then accidentally meet one person,

he is the one,

i quandary said,

to myself.

then suddenly you come into my sight,
and i innocently am hoping the truth will get along my side.

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Carol

by Caris - 7:27 PM

the birds chirping,

clock ticking,

breeze blowing,

with her face within her beloved pillow

no, she's not upset,

neither stressed nor depressed.

she just has a head full of mind

she hates the reality that herself isn't good enough,
she hates the world that doesn't have any ear to her.

she hates you too,
because you give her
such as an earworming carol in her head
that she can't even get rid of.

she prepared a retaliate,
the greatest melody she has ever made,
and I guess this one will be an earworm in your ear too!
but woefully,
you are a part of the world
that won't even give her an ear.

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Farsighted

by Caris - 1:45 AM

I saw you yesterday, as a blind, seeing nothing but me.
I see you today, as a fighter, trying to have an eye for everything.
I am seeing you right now, as a silly, not even knowing the things you don't know.
And,
I will see you tomorrow, as a better you, hoping you are really going to be.

I wish I won't surrender to give my eye for you,
as I wish one day, you will give an eye for me too.

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12 a.m.

by Caris - 11:50 PM

I consider 12am as a night,
where i swept my nightmares away,
where i drown in my over-thoughts,
where we talked for the last time.

I consider 12am as a night,
which those moonlight shined so bright,
but still be humble to the sun.

I never consider 12am even as an early morning,
until that day,
you tried to be the first,
and you did it!
I wonder about how you wished that i was still awake,
so i would know what's so special,
but the universe wasn't on our side by giving me a very pleasant dream, or maybe yours,
and i didn't.

I put regret in my heart at once,
and began to consider 12am as a morning, just like you did,
but one day you showed me your madness,
brought back the darkness again.

As yours triggered mine,
we ran a war,
won by our selfishness in the end.
Leaving myself, to again,
consider 12am,
as a part of night.

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Friday to Monday

by Caris - 10:56 PM

I still remember the first time we met,

on that windy Friday evening,

when everybody looked me down,

and left me alone,

you did know well the rightest time to come.

Heretofore,

you are my favorite first impression,

appeared so bright,

and still the brightest.

I still remember how patient you were,

when my ego was peaking to the top,

by saying yes,

on everything I wished.

I even remember how sweet you were,
when we two sat together modestly
on a starry Saturday night,
enjoying our meals,
with our typical deep conversation
to find the right way
to get closer.

And on a sunny Sunday,
we walked together before the Lord.
I forgot what did I ask from Him,
I should be sad cause it wasn't you.

Those good old times

still neatly arranged

in my head

up to now,

how about you?

Unfortunately,

I don't even remember how did it feel
when we were together
for the last time

cause,

I didn't even think that it was our last.

All I remember is today when I woke up,

on a busy Monday morning,

in the middle of my deadlines,

I think of you,

out of sudden.

And by then I realize

that you weren't by my side

anymore.

So the saddest thing about this story is

not when the goodbyes were said,

cause we don't even have any goodbyes.

You didn't even know how bad I want you,

cause this annoying feeling is coming late,

or,

maybe they were actually there,

underneath my ignorance.

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Fine?

by Caris - 1:26 AM

"You'll regret that decision"

He said, as he walked, slowly but surely, away.

"No, i'm sure. i won't"

My pride and arrogance were so high, stood still, let him go, thought that i'd be okay no matter what.

I was fine, and perhaps he knew it.

Until those skies above me fallen,

I was fine, too.

"Congratulation!"

"Thank you. But, how about you?"

"You know I'll always be fine, don't worry. It may take time, and I am very good at waiting"

"Are you sure?"

"You know who I am, right? Giving up isn't a choice for me"

One day, the darkness finally came. It's so dark, even the sun were gone.

"No, I won't regret those decisions now"

But,

it's dark,

and cold,

and in the middle of the rain,

in that night,

I wonder,

"Do you even have time to worry about me? Or you're too busy to worry about yourself?"

I saw him, he was busy out there. New people, new friends, new life, new me?

He was good at finding my substitute.

I wished I didn't have any interest,

"I don't even care"

but unfortunately I did.

I pretended to be fine, by then.

I knew the sun will shine brightly again,

so I waited,

not for him,

for the sun.

"Hey, again"

"Oh, hey! Long time no see"

"Ya, it's been a while since our last conversation. Need any help?"

"Well, yes, I need your help"

At the end of my darkness,

this happened, we met again, and magically everything came up like it used to be.

"Congratulation! You're amazing"

"Thank you, for your compliment, and for your help too"

"We have a long time of not seeing each other"

"I guess it's because you're too busy out there"

"Miss me already? Do I need to meet you up soon?"

"Haha! You don't even change"

"And you're still trying to get me out of the way like you used to be, too"

Our very short conversation, with the sun above us, and I am so glad.

No, not because the short conversation of us that we always had over and over again like a refrain, it's because the sun.

It shined so brightly until i can't see anything,

you too.

"You know it's you, right?"

"No, I don't feel that it's me"

"Yes, it's you"

"..."

Our conversation was my favorite refrain, like the beatles' song earworming me, it won't leave.

"Not gonna give me any answer?"

"I just..."

"Just what?"

"Can't believe you"

"Damn"

No matter how bad the ending would be, I always waited for this.

"Did you think I don't know what's going on this whole time? About you and those people around you?"

"You don't know what are you talking about"

"Yes, i know. I always know"

"You always think that you know, you always think. You think too much"

"So what else I can do? I never hear anything directly from you. I saw things, I saw you, I saw what you did, with them"

"..."

"Tell me"

"..."

It doesn't matter how hard we try,

"Everything.."

"..."

or ask ourselves to understand,

"Please"

"..."

or just to give ourselves explanation,

"If what I see and what I think is right,"

"..."

we're not supposed to spend our next days by holding hands.

"Do I still have to regret my decision in the beginning?"

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Perhaps

by Caris - 5:53 PM

She has been walking on her own

for more than two decades.

Grown-up so finely,

she always concurs that her world is beautiful.

Revels in every inch of its twist and turn,

breaches the rules that she thinks shoddy,

she had so much fun,

she thought.

Unpleasantly, she was alone,

she is choosing to be.

She closed the door firmly.

She built a high fortress.

"No one is gonna understand me either",

she grumbled.

Perhaps she is waiting for that good guy,

to share nights with hobbies, mindsets, and happiness.

Perhaps you are the one she wanted to scramble up the fort,

knock the door,

take her hands,

and show her,

that if she thinks her world is beautiful,

you can show that with you the world is going to be exquisite.

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Who?

by Caris - 1:07 AM

I always want to be perfect.
I always spend times drown in my own fantasies.

I always want to be the best.
I always send energy on new things I never learn before.

I always try to be better,
but better than who?

I don't even know who am I,
all I know is who I want to be.

I busy to learn what I have to do,
until I literally forget what actualy I can do.

Being alone all these times,
even my precious self is not with me.