[Written in January 15, 2020]

From all of the craziness happened in 2019, I am glad that I finally found many answers to my whys. The reason to do A and not B, the reason to draw my future specifically compact with the details and possible obstacles, the reason to sometimes say yes although in the condition full of doubts; I found it!

2019 also gave me a lot of opportunities; it let me experience the thing that once I can only dream about. Some of those opportunities convinced me that my insecurities just existed in my head; some of them reassured me that I might be able to do anything I want, but not all of the doings are the best when the doers is me.

At the beginning of the year, I decided to learn a lot. And at the end of the year, I found out the proper (but not exact) time to both stay and leave- still not wise enough to make life choices but I am taking a closer step there every time.

I began my 6th semester happily because I didn't fill my plate full. I have enough time for academic activities, beginning my minor thesis, being a chief editor for a not-so-big project, and hanging out with my self. I had a good routine and I was prepared for constantly changing conditions in my institution. I thought I was prepared enough, until this pandemic ruined everything. Literally, everything.

I am overwhelmed; by this situation of constant and extreme uncertainty. This pandemic is really making a big turning point for me. Many people are maybe going through the same problems and I know I am not alone but I am just gonna say it clearly again; I am overwhelmed.

I lost my routine and habit. I am not the hustling caris anymore, and I hate it. I don't really know for sure whether it's good or bad for being a hustler but I simply hate the fact that I lost my routine. The term —hustling/hustle culture, is not the one that I knew for years. I happened to meet this term as I try to find out which of my habit is gone. In fact, I merely miss the feel about how heavy it was to bring my laptop to campus, just to do some paragraphs of minor thesis in lunchtime with friends. I miss the time I spent in the campus library while waiting for the next class. I miss the impulsiveness I had when I was bored of studying in my room, so I sometimes went to cafe for a donut and a cup of americano, and spent 5 hours studying there. I might be physically exhausted but I survived with those routines, so that's why I am happy. Whilst I am now only staying at home, and I am overwhelmed. I somehow lost my personal space too. I am running out of social battery almost everyday. I am sick of always need to check chats, emails, and social media for getting newest information; I miss hearing info directly from my friends' voices. I miss a lot of stuff I've taken for granted.

Besides, I also have things to be grateful for. I have time to watch many k-dramas I missed while I hustling. I too finally have time to read non-medical books and learn many new things. Well, this can be either that these activities are the reasons I didn't hustle anymore, or I am not able to be the hustling caris in this state of condition so I look for other activities. This flustered human being still doesn't know to decide which is good or which is bad, and hopes this condition ends quickly so she can make her untidy plate neat again instead.

I am tired, and sleep is not the answer anymore cause it's my mental state, not my physical body. Sleep does help to escape, perhaps, but when I wake up and I suddenly remember the fact that the world is in big trouble and I am both directly and undirectly feeling the impact of it, that tiredness comes along again like an old friend saying hi from the back of the door outside my house. So this time, as I write this post, I decide to let it in. I let it sit on my living room, I prepare a cup of coffee, so it can be comfortable to tell its story, instead of leaving it outside and sleep. I now know it won't leave until it has its business done. As we know that to understand you is not easy, dear old friend, thank you for patiently waiting for myself to let you in this whole time. Now let us treat your nerves well.